NEW YORK CITY — Mayor Zohran Mamdani’s honeymoon with the teachers union reportedly ended after officials discovered that socialism can redistribute money, housing, and blame, but cannot redistribute one student’s reading score to another, sources have confirmed.
The administration immediately unveiled Collective Literacy, guaranteeing every child equal access to words regardless of whether anyone can read them.
Under the new program, failing grades have been abolished.
An F is now Emerging Excellence.
A wrong answer is Alternative Correctness.
Unable to read is Textually Underserved.
Missing homework is Assignment Housing Insecurity.
Teachers became suspicious when administrators instructed them to raise literacy scores without making students read anything difficult, fail anyone, hurt feelings, or acknowledge that answers sometimes have to be correct.
The union finally snapped.
“We endorsed socialism,” shouted one representative.
“Nobody told us math and reading would still exist.”
Mamdani responded by promoting every struggling student to the next grade, instantly improving advancement statistics by 100 percent.
A reporter asked whether the children could actually read better.
“No,” an aide explained.
“But now they can read poorly at a more advanced level.”
Meanwhile, ordinary New Yorkers watched from the back.
First came a whisper.
“Told you.”
Then louder.
“We told you.”
As of press time, City Hall declared the literacy initiative successful after every failing student correctly spelled “equity.”
