BLACKSBURG, VA — The NCAA rejected Virginia Tech’s football identifying as a successful field goal after investigators discovered it followed President Trump and had once liked a photograph of a gas stove, sources have confirmed.
The ball’s request for three points was initially approved until an inclusion officer noticed its preferred pronouns were “USA/USA.”
“We affirm every ball’s truth,” explained some random NCAA official.
“Unfortunately, this one believes there are only two goalposts.”
Officials consulted the rulebook, a document reportedly assembled by six university administrators and a raccoon trapped inside a faculty lounge copier.
Page 418 prohibits reviewing controversial kicks.
Page 419 permits reviewing the kicker’s grandparents for problematic Thanksgiving remarks.
Meanwhile, FanDuel refunded losing bettors with complimentary breathing exercises.
DraftKings offered a bonus wager on whether reality would survive an appeal.
Kalshi opened a market on which referee would purchase a lake house first.
One official denied accepting a bribe, explaining that the envelope contained “a privately funded scholarship for my bass boat.”
The football attempted reconciliation by attending a campus workshop titled “Unlearning Your Leather Privilege,” but was expelled for asking whether participation trophies could cover the spread.
As of press time, the ball had unfollowed President Trump, endorsed socialism, and received six points, tenure, and a luxury taxpayer funded apartment overlooking the goalposts it had courageously overcome.
Hahahahaha! This truly depicts the world we Americans live in….