NEW YORK: Major newsrooms have renamed terrorists “Explosively Expressive Grievance Influencers” after determining that calling them terrorists could damage their self esteem, sources have confirmed.
The change followed Bill Maher interrupting a televised sensitivity workshop by asking whether murdering civilians still qualified as terrorism or now required a permission slip from a sociology professor.
“Terrorist is soooo 2010,” explained one network ethics director.
“In 2026, we recognize that some people process disappointment through podcasts. Others invade villages. Everybody communicates differently.”
Maher suggested that terrorists weren’t people throwing tantrums because HBO canceled season three of their favorite show.
“If the shoe fits, wear it,” he said.
Editors immediately confiscated the shoe pending an investigation into whether footwear disproportionately stigmatized armed men.
Meanwhile, the newsroom installed a dedicated Hamas propaganda conveyor belt, delivering statements directly from masked spokesmen to Pulitzer nomination forms.
“Normally, we verify sources,” Someone stuttered.
“But this source has a logo, a headband, and tremendous confidence.”
One junior reporter attempted to fact check a statement.
Security escorted him outside, where he was humanely released into a conservative podcast.
The network subsequently hired fourteen empathy consultants to determine whether hostages were unfairly centering themselves.
As of press time, editors had labeled Maher an extremist after he terrorized the entire newsroom by reading their own headline back to them aloud.
This is Satire today but just wait five years. The way things are going with the DSA (DNC) and the Muslim- Communist it could be very soon reality.
How right you are, Bobby!