WASHINGTON — Democrats unveiled a revolutionary moral compass Tuesday that points toward outrage whenever a Republican touches something they previously applauded.
The device malfunctioned during archival footage of Obama-era immigration enforcement, briefly causing a congresswoman to applaud into a protest sign.
“Those were compassionate deportations,” explained a strategist.
“The buses had hope in them.”
Asked what changed, she pointed to the driver’s administration.
Trouble intensified when Tom Homan appeared in an old awards photograph, prompting staff to cover the screen with a bedsheet.
Unfortunately, the projector displayed the photograph on the bedsheet.
Republicans called this transparency.
Democrats demanded thicker sheets.
An emergency fact-check determined the footage was authentic but “being remembered with malicious intent.”
Meanwhile, the party introduced a wind-powered platform that automatically changes positions whenever polling shifts.
During testing, one senator condemned a policy, endorsed it, and accused Republicans of copying him before his coffee finished brewing.
The resulting breeze smelled so strongly of political manure that nearby farmers requested harvesting rights.
“It’s not hypocrisy,” insisted a spokesperson, spraying the room with aerosolized moral superiority.
“Our principles have adjustable settings.”
Reporters eventually played two contradictory speeches simultaneously.
The spokesperson applauded one speaker while demanding the other resign.
Both were him.
As of press time, Democrats had declared the internet a threat to democracy after discovering it kept things they said before lunch.
The french have lived on occupied lands long enough. Lets have a 2 state solution