French activists demanded an expansion of their benefits package after discovering it didn’t cover replacing everything they’d set on fire, sources have confirmed.
The protest began outside a public library, where organizers demanded greater access to knowledge while reducing the knowledge to smoke.
“We deserve more!” shouted a student whose subsidized train had delivered him to the subsidized university he’d just ignited.
His manifesto demanded free tuition, free transport, expanded housing, and someone else’s insurance information.
An organizer announced they’d defeated capitalism by destroying the neighborhood’s only free clinic.
Celebrations paused when he burned his thumb and discovered the nearest appointment was now a smoldering chair.
Behind guarded palace walls, Emmanuel Macron inspected the unrest through opera glasses.
“Have they considered a strongly worded consultation?” he asked, accepting a pastry.
Outside, demonstrators demanded the state rebuild everything.
A contractor explained that tomorrow’s school budget was now yesterday’s bus replacement budget.
“So education is being cut?” screamed the crowd, setting the education office ablaze.
One activist proposed funding reconstruction with vibes. Another suggested confiscating wealth from anyone still owning a roof.
Macron announced a national conversation, then had the gates soundproofed.
As of press time, protesters had demanded the government shake its emergency money tree, which authorities confirmed was the publicly maintained oak they’d burned down that morning to protest insufficient shade.
