NEW YORK: Bruce Blakeman’s subway ride turned awkward Tuesday when he asked Kathy Hochul and Zohran Mamdani whether “free trains” meant nobody pays or nobody boards.
“We’re still reviewing the wording,” Hochul replied from a security detail large enough to qualify as a connecting train.
Mamdani declared the system safer than ever, noting that passenger complaints had declined sharply since passengers stopped showing up.
“You can’t argue with those numbers.”
“You also can’t find those passengers,” Blakeman replied.
Officials unveiled a safety dashboard showing every station in green. Investigators discovered green meant the dashboard was plugged in.
Meanwhile, commuters choosing taxis received notices accusing them of “fare evasion by automobile.”
“You avoided paying a fare by not taking the train,” explained a city spokesperson.
“That loophole ends today.”
A proposed Subway Solidarity Surcharge would charge residents for every station they drove past without experiencing.
One commuter asked whether he could deduct the cost of being chased up the stairs.
“Only if you kept running toward work,” an accountant explained.
Hochul subsequently announced twelve new committees to restore confidence.
All requested parking.
Mamdani praised an entirely empty carriage as proof the city had finally eliminated overcrowding.
As of press time, officials reported that subway ridership was rebounding after counting every member of Blakeman’s security detail separately, including on television replays.
They are all insane, and unfortunately contagious.