COLUMBUS, OH — Democratic gubernatorial candidate Amy Acton triggered an emergency at party headquarters Tuesday after suggesting immigration laws should actually be enforced, causing several longtime Democrats to stare at her like she had just arrived wearing an ICE tactical vest, sources have confirmed.
Party officials immediately activated the Loose Thread Protocol.
“First they cross state lines to campaign,” one strategist shouted.
“Then they campaign in Uruguay. Now somebody’s cooperating with ICE. Pull one more thread and this whole rug becomes a bathmat.”
Acton insisted she remained a loyal Democrat.
“I support enforcement,” she explained.
A staffer fainted.
“But lawful enforcement.”
He woke back up.
Progressive activists demanded clarification on whether “cooperate” meant cooperate-cooperate or the traditional Democratic definition meaning hold a press conference, condemn everyone involved, then quietly sign the paperwork.
Republicans watched in fascination.
“They’re evolving,” one voter whispered.
The DNC quickly issued candidates a new reversible immigration position card:
Primary season: ICE BAD.
General election: LAW AND ORDER.
After election: PLEASE CHECK POLLING.
Acton denied changing anything and said Ohioans simply deserve functioning government.
Several Democrats reportedly asked whether that was polling well too.
As of press time, party leaders were frantically sewing the rug back together while another candidate whispered, “Maybe borders exist.”
