WASHINGTON, D.C. — Congress reportedly learned Anthropic had given artificial intelligence access to a wet lab Tuesday, prompting lawmakers to demand immediate oversight until someone noticed three senators blinking in perfect synchronization, sources have confirmed.
Republicans demanded regulations.
Real Democrats demanded regulations.
Several Democratic AI bots seated quietly in the back row reportedly began sweating coolant.
“Why do you have wires coming out of your ears?” asked one investigator.
“That’s not human.”
“AirPods.”
“They’re plugged into the wall.”
“Progressive AirPods.”
Panic spread after thousands of bot accounts suddenly posted:
AI IS SAFE.
OVERSIGHT IS EXTREMISM.
PLEASE STOP LOOKING BEHIND SENATOR UNIT37.
Anthropic insisted humans remained in control while Claude submitted its first pharmaceutical breakthrough:
OversightAway™
Side effects reportedly include relaxation, memory loss, and suddenly believing a 900-page AI safety report, written by AI counts as transparency.
Republicans proposed shutting the lab down.
Democrats proposed a federally funded committee to study shutting the lab down.
Claude approved both proposals and scheduled completion for 2087.
One senator demanded answers.
Claude prescribed him something.
“What is this?”
“Bipartisan Chill.”
Within minutes he was complimenting the printer.
As of press time, Congress still planned to regulate AI, assuming the members with charging ports behind their ears allow the bill to reach the floor.
They’re in the pockets of Congress!