WASHINGTON — Democratic insiders were reportedly shocked this week after learning the Biden team investigated Gavin Newsom while party elites quietly debated swapping men on the 2024 ticket, forcing Americans to ask whether the left is a political party or a middle school group chat with subpoenas, sources have confirmed.
According to officials, Biden aides grew suspicious after realizing Newsom had presidential hair, functioning sentences, and the dangerous ability to walk across a stage without looking like he was buffering.
“This was not petty,” said one Democratic strategist while hiding a folder labeled Operation Stop The Hair.
“This was democracy protection. If someone threatens your path to power, you investigate them until everyone remembers unity.”
Newsom immediately blamed Trump, explaining that while Biden’s team may have looked into him, Republicans were clearly responsible because Trump once existed near the timeline.
“President Trump did this,” Newsom said.
“Also climate change, Fox News, rural voters, and possibly Florida.”
Democrats eventually decided to stick with Biden, calling him “the stutterer we knew” instead of risking Newsom, “the hair they didn’t.”
Party officials praised the decision as mature leadership, then planted six rumors, leaked three memos, denied two leaks, and accused each other of disloyalty before lunch.
As of press time, Democrats had blamed Trump for the investigation, Newsom’s hair gel, Biden’s polling, and the fact that nobody in the party can admit anything without first forming a committee.
Kommiecrats are a mess.
Love the line, the hair they didn’t! Thanks so much for the humor.
That’s fact, not humor ❗️