BOSTON, MA — City officials reportedly unveiled a $575 civic-leadership scholarship program for immigrants this week, then informed native-born Bostonians that their comparable government-training program consists of paying taxes and figuring it out themselves, sources have confirmed.
One lifelong resident attempted to enroll.
(Clerk): “Were you born here?”
“Yes.”
“Sorry. Too local.”
“But I don’t understand City Hall.”
“Nobody does.”
“Can I take the class?”
“No.”
“What do I get?”
She handed him a parking ticket.
The curriculum quickly leaked:
Week 1: Finding City Hall Without Losing the Will to Live
Week 2: Advanced Public Comment
Week 3: How to Organize Before Anyone Forms a Committee About Your Committee
Week 4: Saying “Equitable Access” Without Blinking
Graduates receive $575.
Native-born residents receive an informational pamphlet titled:
THANK YOU FOR FUNDING THIS.
One taxpayer complained.
City officials immediately congratulated him.
“Excellent civic engagement.”
“So I pass?”
“No.”
“Can I get the $575?”
“No.”
“What did I learn?”
“Government.”
By graduation, participants had mastered public speaking, advocacy, and navigating city bureaucracy.
The excluded residents had also mastered something:
resentment.
As of press time, Boston was considering a second program teaching lifelong residents how to apply for programs they still won’t qualify for.
