NEW YORK, NY — America’s cable-news industry reportedly unveiled a revolutionary journalism standard Monday requiring reporters to investigate every side of a story, verify the facts, and then delete whichever paragraph makes the headline less terrifying, sources have confirmed.
MS NOW immediately opened a Department of Context Removal.
CNN followed with a twelve-person panel debating whether context itself threatens democracy.
“Here’s the full quote,” one producer said.
An anchor recoiled.
“Full?”
“Yes.”
“Are we allowed to air those?”
Last week’s Patel hearing provided a demonstration.
MS NOW promoted the FBI director as being “grilled.”
Meanwhile, Patel arrived with opposition-research notes alleging Sen. Dick Durbin’s wealth had risen 364%.
Producers reportedly considered the headline:
SENATOR BURNS PATEL .
Then someone asked what Patel said back.
“Don’t ruin this.”
New newsroom rules were immediately posted:
If Trump says ten sentences, use four words.
If sentence eleven explains them, destroy sentence eleven.
If viewers request context, schedule a panel.
Anchors were retrained as reality-TV hosts capable of whispering “constitutional crisis” directly into Camera Two.
The View reportedly requested press credentials after discovering journalism now mostly requires microphones, opinions, and five people interrupting simultaneously.
As of press time, an intern accidentally aired an entire unedited exchange and was being pursued through Manhattan by three producers carrying scissors.
