Clintons Say Being Asked Questions Is ‘Harassment,’ Still Refuse to Testify

Bill and Hillary Clinton reportedly refused to testify before Congress this week after expressing alarm that lawmakers expected them to appear in person and answer questions out loud, sources have confirmed.

According to aides, Hillary Clinton objected that the subpoenas felt “aggressive,” noting that she had already provided several strongly worded letters and could not be expected to participate in what she described as “live accountability.”

“This process is deeply triggering,” she allegedly wrote, adding that consequences remain “a Republican-only tradition.”

Sources close to the couple say part of the delay stems from Bill Clinton struggling to remember the agreed-upon script. During preparation sessions, Bill reportedly began several statements with, “I did not, I repeat, I did not have…” before trailing off and asking Hillary how the sentence was supposed to end.

“We’ll get back to you,” one aide allegedly whispered.

Lawyers for the Clintons argued that appearing in person could lead to unscripted moments, follow-up questions, and other dangerous variables.

“Written statements are safer,” one attorney reportedly said.

“They don’t interrupt themselves.”

President Trump declined to comment directly, with aides noting he prefers watching powerful Democrats explain why the rules they wrote no longer apply to them.

Republicans responded by placing an empty chair at the hearing and waiting patiently.

As of press time, the Clintons announced they are still finalizing their answers and reminding Bill what not to remember.