An Indiana Democrat announced he’d discovered the only way to deliver his campaign platform without hearing it himself was to get spectacularly drunk beforehand, sources have confirmed.
Fictional county council hopeful Dale Blathers arrived at Tuesday’s forum carrying seventeen policy binders and a margarita served in a recycling bin.
“Sober me keeps asking how we’re paying for this,” Blathers explained. “That guy’s basically a Republican.”
His campaign manager administered one shot for every promise involving free stuff. By universal lawn care, Blathers was debating a coat rack about wealth inequality.
“We have guns too!” he shouted, producing a glue gun and demanding background checks on scrapbooking.
Asked about property taxes, he promised to abolish private property, then screamed when someone borrowed his barstool.
The moderator requested a concrete proposal. Blathers endorsed subsidized concrete.
“Every driveway deserves healthcare!”
Campaign staff called the performance “refreshingly authentic,” noting he’d finally stopped pretending the numbers added up.
A local progressive newspaper praised his courage in challenging “the oppressive expectation that sentences end somewhere.”
Republicans offered him water. His team accused them of suppressing spirits.
The forum ended when Blathers attempted to filibuster his own reflection, calling it a billionaire donor because it wore the same expensive watch.
As of press time, his campaign had replaced its designated driver with a designated interpreter, who resigned.
I heard her. She definitely sounded drunk or high or not all there.
I have to give the woman asking the questions credit for keeping her composure. How embarrassing
When I was in College, a friend told my roommate that the way to get good test grades was to study stoned ! My roommate tried it, but only got a “C” on his test the next day. He wasn’t happy and complained to our friend. The friend asked him if he had taken the test stoned, which he hadn’t ! Our friend exclaimed, “ Thats the problem ! “” When you study stoned, you have to take the test stoned !”
I haven’t thought about this in years. But now that I have, I think it may be possible that when the Democrat party, The D.S.A., the Socialists, the Communists ( even Marx himself ) the Islamists and the rest, came up with all their absolutely crazy shit, they may have been stoned out of their minds ! Thats the only thing that can explain it…
I would submit to them, as a friend, that when they campaign on all this crap, if they expect to be believed and get a good grade on their campaigning, they probably need to campaign
stoned out of your minds too ! Judging from what I’ve seen, some of them are already way ahead of me on this !
It’s the “Kamala Harris” way!