FORT DIX, NJ — Sean “Diddy” Combs reportedly suffered a cartoonishly large forehead bump after slipping on baby oil he’d described as “essential commissary infrastructure,” sources have confirmed.
Witnesses said Combs entered the hallway upright, achieved highway speed by the laundry room, and passed three guards before anyone realized he wasn’t being transferred.
“He tried grabbing the wall,” one inmate explained.
“Unfortunately, he’d moisturized that too.”
His publicist immediately denied he’d fallen, insisting he was “launching a horizontal comeback.”
Within minutes, Hollywood activists demanded taxpayers install softer floors, while a celebrity justice coalition blamed the accident on “systemic traction.”
“The floor has a duty to meet him where he is,” announced an actress whose driveway requires its own ZIP code.
Prison officials recovered enough baby oil to lubricate Congress through six budget negotiations.
MSNBC reportedly assembled four experts to explain why friction disproportionately benefits conservatives.
Combs’ attorneys demanded the security footage be suppressed because it showed their client sliding past a posted “NO RUNNING” sign at approximately forty miles per hour.
A proposed benefit concert collapsed when every performer demanded separate entrances, separate dressing rooms, and a completely different prison.
Doctors prescribed rest, an ice pack, and shoes that weren’t marinated.
as of press time, Combs had sued gravity, which declined to settle and said it had him on camera.
