Washington, D.C. — Senate Democrats have announced that they will oppose any Republican funding bill on the grounds that Republicans are “icky and smell weird,” sources have confirmed.
Chuck Schumer explained at a press conference that his caucus could not possibly vote yes on a measure touched by GOP fingerprints, germs, or general vibes.
When asked what specifically in the bill they opposed, Democrats waved their hands, yelled “Orange Man Bad,” and demanded a taxpayer-funded task force to investigate why “they just wont give us what we want”.
Hakeem Jeffries insisted the GOP plan was “toxic masculinity on paper” and warned it could trigger spontaneous patriotism if left unshredded.
Meanwhile Republican senators noted that their proposal simply keeps the lights on, funds basic services , and does not, contrary to Democratic claims, ban TikTok activism or require Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez to get a real job.
Democrats remained unconvinced, demanding that all future bills be scented with essential oils and endorsed by Nancy Pelosi’s TikTok account.
MSNBC pundits even argued that Arizona’s cacti were being exploited as unpaid background extras, demanding the federal government create a Cactus Equity Department to monitor plant-based oppression.
As of press time, Schumer was spotted drafting emergency legislation to declare the Republican Party an invasive species requiring immediate extermination by federally funded pest control.
This writer should be employed by “The Onion” !
Laughed so hard I almost fell out of my chair.
Loved the commentary. Especially on Shiftless Schiff.
I filled out the comment section. What happened
Consider yourself marked. This is fine to those ho dare stand up for America No matter the platform
Demonstrate smell like sulfur
Demonstrate 😈, smell like suffering. They’re full of the devil 😈