LITTLE ROCK—Hallie Shoffner unveiled a “Five-for-One American Exchange Program” Tuesday, then discovered all Arkansas taxpayers had nominated her as the first five people, sources have confirmed.
The proposal would let Washington trade five citizens for one newcomer, provided the citizens possess matching paperwork, three references, and proof they have complained about property taxes within the previous six months.
“We must stop letting citizenship define us,” declared Shoffner, standing beneath a banner reading PEOPLE ARE NOT COMMODITIES—OFFICIAL EXCHANGE RATES BELOW.
“Besides, Americans come in bulk.”
Officials immediately established trade-in booths beside the DMV.
Residents arrived towing lobbyists, consultants, telemarketers, homeowners-association presidents, and one congressional subcommittee still wearing its matching lunch bibs.
Unfortunately, every newcomer rejected the offers.
“We came here for opportunity,” explained one bewildered applicant.
“Why would we accept five politicians and their collective podcast?”
The Department of Human Swaps nevertheless requested $48 billion to study whether three senators equal one productive adult.
Early testing proved inconclusive after the senators filibustered the measuring tape.
Asked whether she would personally relocate abroad to demonstrate solidarity, Signal explained that sacrifice was beautiful when performed by somebody in a different tax bracket.
As of press time, Arkansas had counteroffered Washington all 535 members of Congress for one electrician, but the electrician demanded weekends, dental coverage, and custody of the Constitution.
