WASHINGTON — With the 2028 field desperate for a candidate who can promise free everything without accidentally forming a complete sentence, Democratic strategists have made a groundbreaking discovery: Kamala Harris’s poll numbers skyrocket the less she speaks, sources have confirmed.
Their solution: run her as America’s first-ever mime candidate.
“Words are problematic,” explained DNC Chair Jaime Harrison while wearing a black beret and testing an invisible box.
“If Kamala doesn’t say anything, she can’t be fact-checked. She’ll simply mime being trapped when asked about the border, then point to an invisible sign promising free healthcare, free college, and free housing.”
Insiders say the new campaign strategy involves Harris communicating exclusively through flailing hand gestures, shoulder shrugs, and dramatic tiptoeing across the debate stage.
When pressed on inflation, she will pretend to pull an endless rope of money from the sky, shrug, and point directly at taxpayers.
Reporters attempting follow-ups will be met with the classic “pulling down an invisible curtain” maneuver.
“Finally, a candidate who connects with voters by saying absolutely nothing,” gushed one MSNBC host.
“It’s authentic. It’s visionary. It’s whatever gesture she’s doing right now.”
Campaign slogans include “Silence Is Golden And Progressive” and “She’s Not Avoiding Questions, She’s Performing Art.”
As of press time, Kamala was trapped in an imaginary glass box trying to explain her economic plan while Democratic donors cheered the most substantive campaign in party history.
