WASHINGTON — DNC Chair Ken Martin reportedly threw a phone at an aide’s desk after realizing the Democratic National Committee was $18.5 million in debt with only $16.3 million cash on hand, causing staffers to confirm the party had officially lost its last game of Monopoly and still tried to collect $200, sources have confirmed.
The incident began when Martin landed on “Pay Consultants Again,” drew a Community Chest card reading You Funded Another Losing Message Campaign, and discovered the DNC could not pass Go because Go had been repossessed by creditors.
“This is not financial mismanagement,” said one Democratic strategist.
“This is democracy experiencing a temporary liquidity journey.”
Sources say Martin became visibly frustrated after aides explained that yelling “tax the rich” does not automatically make donors return phone calls, especially when the rich people are busy funding candidates who might actually win.
Staffers reportedly tried to calm him down by offering traditional Democratic budget solutions: blame Trump, request emergency donations, hold a celebrity Zoom fundraiser, and accuse anyone asking about the debt of threatening democracy.
The phone eventually landed near an aide’s desk, prompting an HR complaint and a new internal policy requiring all future tantrums to be conducted with softer objects, preferably recycled campaign mailers.
One accountant allegedly warned the party that Monopoly money was not legal tender, though officials insisted it should count if emotionally verified.
As of press time, the DNC had launched a new fundraising email titled URGENT: We Are One Phone Throw Away From Saving Democracy.
Good way of putting it. Thanks for the laugh.