ANN ARBOR, MI — Abdul El-Sayed reportedly escalated Michigan’s housing crisis to DEFCON MAIZE after discovering that some football fans own houses near the Big House and occasionally let other football fans sleep in them, sources have confirmed.
The campaign immediately identified the culprit:
TOUCHDOWNS.
“Every Saturday,” one housing adviser warned, “thousands of people arrive with coolers, disposable income, and dangerous levels of school spirit.”
El-Sayed’s team unveiled an emergency plan:
Ban Airbnbs.
Restrict tailgates.
Seize inflatable Wolverines.
Replace football with badminton.
“Why badminton?”
“Have you ever seen 110,000 people rent houses for badminton?”
Fair point.
The proposal quickly expanded.
Anyone owning a second bedroom near the stadium would be required to prove it had never housed a man wearing face paint.
Porches would be inspected for grills.
Driveways with more than three folding chairs would be classified as speculative investment properties.
One homeowner protested:
(Fan): “I bought this house twenty years ago.”
(Official): “Exactly. Premeditated.”
Meanwhile, Michigan’s football program was ordered to study replacing the Big House with 107,000 efficiency apartments and one regulation-size shuttlecock court.
Economists suggested zoning and construction supply might also matter.
They were escorted out for introducing variables.
As of press time, state officials were questioning a suspicious family from Ohio after discovering six lawn chairs, two coolers, and a Vrbo password written on the refrigerator.
