SACRAMENTO, CA — Gavin Newsom reportedly checked himself into an emergency political therapy session this week after discovering that agreeing to the Paramount-Warner Bros. settlement upset leftists, while defending the settlement somehow upset them even more, sources have confirmed.
His therapist began gently.
(Therapist): “Maybe it’s time to stand your ground.”
(Newsom): “I did.”
(Therapist): “And?”
(Newsom): “They got angrier.”
Silence.
“Have you tried apologizing?”
“Yes.”
“That made them mad too?”
“Very.”
The session was interrupted when Elizabeth Warren released a statement so long and furious that Newsom’s printer reportedly requested paid leave.
Staffers measured it at approximately three forests, seventeen footnotes, and one steaming paragraph that could strip paint.
Meanwhile, Hollywood continued functioning.
Movies were made.
People went to lunch.
Someone rebooted Batman again.
Newsom’s advisers reportedly panicked anyway.
“Leftists say you sold out.”
“Moderates say stop panicking.”
“Labor wants guarantees.”
“Hollywood wants certainty.”
“What do voters want?”
Everyone stared at the floor.
The therapist finally prescribed a radical treatment:
Make one decision and stop checking Twitter for twelve minutes.
Newsom reportedly lasted four.
As of press time, California politics remained stable enough for everyone involved to continue accusing everyone else of betrayal before dinner.
