DETROIT, MI — Abdul El-Sayed unveiled a revolutionary plan to save American football from masculinity by removing tackling, yelling, scorekeeping, and eventually the football, sources have confirmed.
Under the new National Feelings League, sacks are classified as quarterback boundary violations, blitzes require consent, and trash talk must be replaced with affirmations.
Coaches may no longer shout after blown plays.
Instead, the game pauses for a 30-minute feelings circle.
“Brayden, you missed the tackle. How did that make you feel?”
“Bad.”
“And whose fault was it?”
“Mine?”
“Absolutely not.”
Therapy resumes.
Scoreboards have also been eliminated because one team having more points could create unequal athletic outcomes.
Every player receives six points for showing up emotionally prepared and a trophy for maintaining hydrated self-esteem.
Quarterbacks now wear padded vests reading PLEASE ASK BEFORE CONTACT.
Linebackers carry laminated conflict-resolution cards.
The Super Bowl has been renamed the Collective Achievement Gathering, and all 106 players leave champions.
Traditional fans reportedly stared in horror as players exchanged affirmation cards after a four-yard run.
“Is this still football?” one asked.
A DSA official smiled.
“No, but nobody feels judged.”
As of press time, organizers had begun investigating badminton after learning the birdie occasionally gets smashed.
Masculinity’s fault ? We’re back to that again ?
I once witnessed a group of rugby playing women standing up from a pile after a scrum…
One woman had blood streaming down her face. Another woman was standing proudly
with long, thick, bloody bunches of the first woman’s hair clutched in her fingers !
The first woman yelled,” Im going to kill you, you BITCH ! “
The ensuing fight could have stood proud as the main attraction at any MMA event !
If you want a male event that has less physicality then football, join a men’s group !
Are pillow fights bannd yet?
Pre game rah rah speech ala Knute Rockne……”Lads, we’re gonna nurture the dickens outta those rascals!”
This satire and your comments are funny as hell and somehow disturbingly sad,,?