DETROIT, MI — Abdul El-Sayed unveiled a revolutionary plan to save American football from masculinity by removing tackling, yelling, scorekeeping, and eventually the football, sources have confirmed.
Under the new National Feelings League, sacks are classified as quarterback boundary violations, blitzes require consent, and trash talk must be replaced with affirmations.
Coaches may no longer shout after blown plays.
Instead, the game pauses for a 30-minute feelings circle.
“Brayden, you missed the tackle. How did that make you feel?”
“Bad.”
“And whose fault was it?”
“Mine?”
“Absolutely not.”
Therapy resumes.
Scoreboards have also been eliminated because one team having more points could create unequal athletic outcomes.
Every player receives six points for showing up emotionally prepared and a trophy for maintaining hydrated self-esteem.
Quarterbacks now wear padded vests reading PLEASE ASK BEFORE CONTACT.
Linebackers carry laminated conflict-resolution cards.
The Super Bowl has been renamed the Collective Achievement Gathering, and all 106 players leave champions.
Traditional fans reportedly stared in horror as players exchanged affirmation cards after a four-yard run.
“Is this still football?” one asked.
A DSA official smiled.
“No, but nobody feels judged.”
As of press time, organizers had begun investigating badminton after learning the birdie occasionally gets smashed.
