Former DSA Member Commits Ultimate Betrayal: He Remembers Everything

DETROIT, MI — The DSA reportedly activated its highest-level emergency protocol Tuesday after former member Jake Altman committed an unforgivable act of political betrayal by remembering the meetings, sources have confirmed.

Not vaguely.

Not emotionally.

Specifically.

“He’s disgruntled!” one operative shouted.

“He knows where the folders are.”

“He’s bitter!”

“He knows who wrote them.”

“He’s lying!”

“He still has the group-chat screenshots.”

Everyone stopped breathing.

Altman then criticized Abdul El-Sayed, causing campaign staff to initiate Operation Former Friend, a sophisticated five-step response:

Discredit him.

Call him irrelevant.

Explain he was never that important.

Explain why his years inside the movement gave him absolutely no insight into the movement.

Hope nobody notices Steps Three and Four conflict.

One strategist suggested simply answering his accusations.

He was immediately reassigned to lawn-sign inventory.

The DSA then changed every password, deleted twelve Slack channels, renamed three committees, and announced that the phrase “former member” now means “outside agitator with suspiciously accurate memories.”

El-Sayed’s team released a statement insisting voters should ignore anyone personally familiar with the organization and instead trust campaign literature written Tuesday morning.

By sunset, activists had learned the oldest rule in politics:

Enemies attack from outside.

Former allies know where the bodies—metaphorically, legally, and extremely inconveniently—are buried.

As of press time, every political organization in America had quietly added one new membership requirement:

Upon resignation, please forget everything immediately.