NEW YORK, NY — Television newsrooms reportedly stopped broadcasting for eleven consecutive seconds Tuesday after Colin Kaepernick announced that politics had inspired him to embrace voting, causing producers nationwide to check whether somebody had accidentally switched America into an alternate timeline, sources have confirmed.
Then came the truly historic moment.
Kaepernick stood.
Nobody knew what to do.
One cameraman instinctively zoomed in on his knees.
A producer screamed, “GET THE WIDE SHOT. HISTORY IS HAPPENING.”
After years of criticizing America’s political system, Kaepernick had apparently rediscovered one of the country’s oldest traditions:
Voting.
Just in time for his friends to tell him they had finally located the correct candidates.
Political scientists immediately identified a fascinating new form of civic participation:
America is broken, oppressive, corrupt, and irredeemable… but please register before Tuesday because our guy needs 51%.
The movement’s welcome packet was quickly updated:
Love America?
Suspicious.
Criticize America constantly?
Courageous.
Become extremely wealthy in America?
Excellent.
Suggest other wealthy Americans keep their money?
Absolutely not.
One celebrity activist reportedly explained that capitalism had created unbearable inequality while checking whether his investment portfolio had cleared another seven figures.
“Everyone needs to share the wealth,” he declared.
An assistant quietly asked, “Including yours?”
The interview ended unexpectedly.
Meanwhile, Kaepernick praised Mayor Zohran Mamdani’s political approach, prompting cable networks to celebrate his renewed faith in democracy without spending too much time examining the strange journey from the system is oppressive to the system is actually pretty exciting now that people I agree with are winning.
Young activists across the country were reportedly thrilled.
“We finally found a political movement where everybody gets a voice,” one organizer explained.
“Unless their voice is wrong.”
Another activist clarified the economic platform:
“Wealth should be redistributed.”
“Whose wealth?”
“Everyone else’s.”
“Your wealthy celebrity supporters?”
“Next question.”
As of press time, America welcomed its newest converts to the ancient democratic tradition of voting and gently reminded them that the ballot unfortunately still allows other people to vote too.
