NEW YORK, NY — Television newsrooms reportedly stopped broadcasting for eleven consecutive seconds Tuesday after Colin Kaepernick announced that politics had inspired him to embrace voting, causing producers nationwide to check whether somebody had accidentally switched America into an alternate timeline, sources have confirmed.
Then came the truly historic moment.
Kaepernick stood.
Nobody knew what to do.
One cameraman instinctively zoomed in on his knees.
A producer screamed, “GET THE WIDE SHOT. HISTORY IS HAPPENING.”
After years of criticizing America’s political system, Kaepernick had apparently rediscovered one of the country’s oldest traditions:
Voting.
Just in time for his friends to tell him they had finally located the correct candidates.
Political scientists immediately identified a fascinating new form of civic participation:
America is broken, oppressive, corrupt, and irredeemable… but please register before Tuesday because our guy needs 51%.
The movement’s welcome packet was quickly updated:
Love America?
Suspicious.
Criticize America constantly?
Courageous.
Become extremely wealthy in America?
Excellent.
Suggest other wealthy Americans keep their money?
Absolutely not.
One celebrity activist reportedly explained that capitalism had created unbearable inequality while checking whether his investment portfolio had cleared another seven figures.
“Everyone needs to share the wealth,” he declared.
An assistant quietly asked, “Including yours?”
The interview ended unexpectedly.
Meanwhile, Kaepernick praised Mayor Zohran Mamdani’s political approach, prompting cable networks to celebrate his renewed faith in democracy without spending too much time examining the strange journey from the system is oppressive to the system is actually pretty exciting now that people I agree with are winning.
Young activists across the country were reportedly thrilled.
“We finally found a political movement where everybody gets a voice,” one organizer explained.
“Unless their voice is wrong.”
Another activist clarified the economic platform:
“Wealth should be redistributed.”
“Whose wealth?”
“Everyone else’s.”
“Your wealthy celebrity supporters?”
“Next question.”
As of press time, America welcomed its newest converts to the ancient democratic tradition of voting and gently reminded them that the ballot unfortunately still allows other people to vote too.
The only good thing I can say about this guy is that in the future I could see him as the biggest
dick playing in the WNFL !
The fact that he’s a Zohran Mandami supporter says it all. He’s a fraud who extracted millions from the billionaire NFL owners, who basically paid him off to keep his mouth shut, but the liberal media has made him a martyr anyway. For one year he had indisputable talent that allowed him to take the 49ers to the Super Bowl. However, the NFL is all about money and winning, ( despite their pandering “End Racism” messages in the end zones,) so if “Kap” was really that good of a QB, some money grubbing NFL owner would have hired him.
Kap should shave his head and go meditate in a cave.
This clown wants to be a victim, wants to people to feel sorry for him, it is the only way he can extort money. He was raised by white parents for a better life than his parents offered, but plays the role of being oppressed.
Sick individual.
Everyone had completely forgotten him, so he had to make himself relevant again!