France Deploys 70,000 Police With Strict Orders to Observe France Disappearing

PARIS: France’s Ministry of Progressive Policing deployed 70,000 officers Saturday with instructions to behave like shopping-mall security guards whose manager had married the shoplifter, sources have confirmed.

“You may observe, report, and look disappointed,” explained a commissioner.

“But nothing judgmental.”

Officers received helmets, shields, and little notebooks for recording how destruction made them feel.

Sergeant Laurent immediately requested a bigger notebook.

Nearby, a masked activist demanded cheaper housing while using somebody’s front door to improve a barricade.

“That’s my apartment,” protested a resident.

“Not everything is about you.”

Laurent reached for his handcuffs.

His supervisor slapped them away with a mindfulness workbook.

“We restrain assumptions here.”

Meanwhile, the ministry replaced tear gas with lavender mist.

Rioters described the atmosphere as relaxing and requested eucalyptus for Sunday.

A student burning school furniture demanded greater investment in education.

Laurent offered him a chair.

The student checked whether it was flammable.

Across the street, a baker asked whether police could protect his business.

“Absolutely,” Laurent replied.

“Would you prefer a supportive presence or a laminated resource?”

The baker selected an arrest.

Headquarters said that option had been discontinued following feedback from people frequently arrested.

As of press time, officers had successfully formed a protective circle around the only property leadership considered worth defending: the ministry’s approval rating, currently hiding inside an armored van.