HOLLYWOOD, CA — Warner Bros. placed the Green Lantern power ring on indefinite administrative leave Thursday after writers discovered the ancient alien weapon had been selecting heroes for billions of years without once consulting Hollywood’s Department of Approved Outcomes, sources have confirmed.
The investigation began when a producer accused the ring of sexism.
Executives gasped.
“Has it ever chosen women?”
“Yes.”
“Multiple women?”
“Yes.”
“Then what’s the problem?”
“It didn’t choose the woman we wanted.”
The room erupted.
The ring was immediately dragged before HR.
“Why did you pick Hal Jordan?”
Glows green.
“Why not Bernadette?”
Glows green.
“STOP BEING DEFENSIVE.”
Investigators later discovered the ring’s selection criteria included courage, willpower, and overcoming fear.
All three were removed for being suspiciously merit-based.
Hollywood announced a replacement system where every character receives a ring, a cape, an affirmation card, and six episodes explaining why the original ring was problematic.
Fans asked whether writers could simply tell an entertaining superhero story.
Security removed them.
Meanwhile, Wonder Woman, Jessica Cruz, Jo Mullein, and every other female Green Lantern reportedly watched the controversy from across the multiverse wondering when they had stopped existing.
As of press time, the ring had been cleared of sexism but suspended another six weeks for refusing to apologize.
