WASHINGTON, D.C. — Establishment Democrats reportedly began childproofing the Capitol Friday after Rep. Laura Gillen acknowledged that several DSA-backed candidates will probably win and may need to be “held in line,” sources have confirmed.
Within hours, congressional offices installed cabinet locks, outlet covers, and a large refrigerator sign reading:
NO NATIONALIZING ANYTHING BEFORE DINNER.
Moderates were issued whistles.
DSA members were issued indoor voices.
One Democratic aide compared the situation to letting the kids have friends over while quietly hiding the good china.
“They’re probably coming,” she said.
“We just don’t want them declaring the microwave a public utility.”
Incoming socialists immediately objected to the phrase “held in line,” calling lines hierarchical.
They formed a circle instead.
Party leaders then unveiled new caucus rules:
No abolishing industries before 9 a.m.
No confiscating billionaires during committee hearings.
No promising free everything until someone identifies who pays.
And absolutely no touching the thermostat.
Republicans watched from across the aisle as Democrats attempted to supervise their own insurgent wing with the energy of exhausted parents at a trampoline park.
One GOP lawmaker reportedly whispered:
“Should we help?”
Another shook his head.
“No. This is educational.”
As of press time, establishment Democrats had successfully contained the DSA for eleven minutes before someone proposed nationalizing the snack machine.
