An 82-year-old Democratic lawmaker’s glaucoma excuse collapsed Thursday after her prescription arrived with a forklift, a loading crew, and quarterly revenue projections, sources have confirmed.
Louise Lucas insisted the marijuana was strictly medicinal.
“Ma’am, this is enough to give the entire state peripheral vision,” a reporter replied.
“My eyes are very old.”
Her spokesperson clarified that the operation wasn’t drug distribution.
It was “a grassroots initiative.”
“Why does your grassroots initiative have shrink-wrap?”
“To protect the roots.”
Democrats demanded everyone stop stigmatizing senior healthcare, then unveiled a prescription bottle large enough to require its own congressional district.
An ophthalmologist examined Lucas and confirmed she could spot a business opportunity through three concrete walls.
Her cataracts, however, declined to comment.
Asked about money laundering, an aide explained that the senator believed all cash should be washed before entering politics.
“Otherwise, how would we call it clean energy?”
Party leaders praised her commitment to going green.
A reporter noted that usually meant solar panels.
“She’s exploring other plants.”
The defense team presented a medical bracelet reading DO NOT RESUSCITATE WITHOUT CHECKING INVENTORY.
Meanwhile, her pharmacist requested clarification after receiving a refill request measured in school buses.
As of press time, Lucas had blamed the misunderstanding on poor eyesight, explaining she’d read “take two puffs” as “open two franchises.”
