BROOKLYN — Former Venezuelan strongman Nicolás Maduro continued confidently declaring himself the legitimate president of Venezuela this week, despite prison records clearly listing his current position as Inmate, Bunk 3B, sources inside the Brooklyn detention center confirmed.
Witnesses say Maduro spends most evenings pacing his cell and delivering long presidential speeches to a vending machine, two folding chairs, and a deeply confused inmate named Larry who was simply trying to heat up a cup of ramen.
“I hereby declare a national emergency,” Maduro reportedly shouted Tuesday while pointing at a malfunctioning soda dispenser.
A nearby guard reportedly responded, “Great. Your first decree as president of Bunk 3B is to clean the showers.”
Prison officials say the former dictator appears especially confused by the American concept of elections, which require voters rather than state-run television announcing the results ahead of time.
“He keeps asking when the ballots will arrive so he can win by 112 percent,” said one corrections officer.
Meanwhile, several progressive activists have reportedly gathered outside the prison demanding Maduro’s immediate release, arguing that forcing a socialist leader to share a bathroom with three other inmates is “an obvious failure of late-stage capitalism.”
One protester told reporters the real injustice is that Maduro’s prison cafeteria menu still includes items that have not yet been nationalized.
As of press time, Maduro had reportedly declared the top bunk a sovereign nation and was lobbying the commissary officer to serve as Minister of Finance.
He better be careful before he gets “ Epsteined ! “
Don’t worry Nick, just be patient. At some point the feckless Democrats in this country will have enough power to parole you and your wife, and send you both back to Venezuela on an executive jet; and to make amends for our “sin” of deposing you, will include a pallet of cash in the jet cargo bay. I’m surprised Hakim Jeffries hasn’t told you that yet during one of his visits to your prison.
Mr Maduro is a political prisoner of the criminal Trump administration.
The kidnapper in chief aka Trump will answer to we the people for having dragged our reputation as a law abiding country, to shit !
His day will come if his illness doesn’t kill him first.
Venceremos !