WASHINGTON, D.C. — Centrist Democrats announced a $15 million campaign to defeat democratic socialism after realizing Vice President JD Vance’s anti-fraud crusade may eventually force both wings of the party to start spending their own money, sources have confirmed.
Republicans immediately offered an alternative proposal consisting of a cocktail napkin reading, “Free stuff isn’t free.”
Cost: zero dollars.
Democrats rejected it because no consultants were involved.
The new initiative will spend $4 million researching whether Americans enjoy keeping their paychecks, $3 million determining whether businesses dislike being taxed into extinction, and another $6 million commissioning a 900-page report titled Why Venezuela Needed Better Messaging.
The remaining $2 million will fund a nationwide search for “common sense,” last seen leaving Washington sometime during the Clinton administration.
DSA officials condemned the campaign and demanded the $15 million be redistributed directly to them.
Centrist Democrats refused.
Socialists immediately pointed out that protecting their own $15 million proved Democrats secretly understood capitalism.
The meeting reportedly went silent for eleven minutes.
Meanwhile, Vance’s fraud investigators continued shutting down suspicious government payments, terrifying both factions with the possibility that political activism might someday require receipts.
One strategist warned that if this continues, Democrats could face an unprecedented financial crisis known as “living within a budget.”
As of press time, Democrats had spent $14.8 million proving common sense was free and requested another $20 million to determine why nobody purchased it.
