‘No Kings’ Protesters Unsure What King Is, Confident They’re Against It

ST. PAUL, MN — Thousands gathered this week for the nationwide “No Kings” protest, a grassroots movement reportedly backed by hundreds of organizations and billions in funding, where participants united around a shared message they described as “very important, once we get the definition finalized,” sources have confirmed.

Attendees interviewed at the event expressed strong opposition to kings, though several struggled to explain what one actually is.

“A king is… like… someone who makes rules and stuff,” one protester said.

“Which is bad. Unless it’s like, rules we agree with.”

Organizers insisted the event was entirely organic and not influenced by outside funding, despite the presence of professionally printed signs, catered food stations, and volunteers directing participants to check-in tables labeled “Totally Not Paid.”

“We are absolutely not paid to be here,” another protester said.

“But do you know if it’s direct deposit or Venmo?”

Sources say the protest featured synchronized chants, pre-approved messaging, and QR codes linking to “Revolution Guidelines (Final Draft v12),” all of which organizers described as “spontaneous alignment.”

Meanwhile, critics noted the irony of a heavily funded, highly structured protest opposing authority while operating under what appeared to be extremely clear authority.

“It’s not leadership,” one organizer clarified.

“It’s guidance from people who know better.”

As of press time, protesters were reportedly waiting for updated instructions on what they were against next.