NEW YORK, NY — A New York priest reportedly announced that Jesus was transgender this week, forcing 2,000 years of Christianity to admit it had apparently misunderstood its own central figure until Manhattan finally cleared things up, sources have confirmed.
Parishioners immediately opened their Bibles.
(Parishioner): “It says Mary gave birth to a son.”
(Priest): “That’s the old version.”
“Old version?”
“Pre-update.”
Within minutes, the church unveiled SCRIPTURE 2.0, a progressive theological software package promising to automatically replace any ancient teaching that survives longer than the average TikTok trend.
A technician warned worshippers not to unplug Christianity during installation.
Apparently Leviticus was already buffering.
One elderly man asked whether Jesus calling himself the Son of Man presented a problem.
Three assistant rectors tackled the question with a 94-slide PowerPoint titled:
WORDS ARE COMPLICATED WHEN THEY’RE INCONVENIENT.
Outside, New York continued operating normally.
A socialist demanded free rent.
A cyclist ignored every traffic law.
Someone charged $27 for toast.
Nobody looked up.
Church leadership then announced that doubting the new interpretation meant doubting Christ’s divinity.
One seminarian whispered:
“That escalated quickly.”
He was reassigned to incense.
By afternoon, theologians were reviewing whether the Apostles needed retroactive diversity training and whether Noah’s Ark had sufficient HR documentation.
As of press time, the Vatican had reportedly placed New York theology on airplane mode until further notice.
Maybe Pastor Klink is taking a cue from Texas Senate candidate James Talarico’s similar campaign position, and he’ll declare his candidacy to become Senator from New York, trying to oust Chuckles Schumer. Klink couldn’t be any worse than Schumer so maybe it’s a win-win proposition.
Call the Romans. Time for a scourging