An alleged Penn State campus kingpin has exposed a nationwide stimulant market consisting of college students attempting to remain conscious through PowerPoint presentations, sources have confirmed.
Authorities expected the investigation to uncover secret cartels, ledgers, and criminal networks.
Instead, they discovered exhausted undergraduates surviving on prescription bottles, energy drinks, cold brew, supplements, and whatever fluorescent substance the bookstore sells beside the highlighters.
Investigators said the breakthrough came after asking one student why he needed so much stimulation.
He handed them a syllabus containing 900 pages of reading, three group projects, a midnight discussion post, and an 8 a.m. lecture taught from slides posted online.
The kingpin reportedly confessed that his organization couldn’t compete with suppliers.
Coffee shops stayed open later, energy-drink companies offered loyalty points, and the university dining hall had installed an espresso fountain beside the mashed potatoes.
Parents expressed shock until detectives searched their children’s backpacks and found enough caffeine to restart a deceased buffalo.
College administrators formed a Wellness and Wakefulness Task Force, scheduling its first meeting for 6:15 Monday morning. Attendance requires students to complete a 40-page sleep-hygiene workbook before arrival.
Experts now believe Americans stopped going outside because outside lacks outlets, Wi-Fi, and beverages named after controlled explosions.
As of press time, the bookstore had begun selling eight hours of sleep for $649, plus textbooks.
