WASHINGTON, D.C. — Federal sources have confirmed that Chuck Schumer is refusing to reopen the government until new polling shows he’s “cooler than AOC,” sources have confirmed.
According to insiders, Schumer has spent the shutdown glued to his phone, refreshing FiveThirtyEight like it’s Tinder, hoping for better approval numbers.
“He says he’ll fund the troops as soon as someone likes his latest selfie,” one staffer whispered, nervously rearranging a stack of unpaid military checks.
Republican leaders called the move “the most expensive midlife crisis in U.S. history.”
“Every day he wakes up terrified AOC will primary him,” one GOP aide told reporters.
“He’s less Majority Leader, more Majority Meltdown.”
Schumer’s office has reportedly been converted into a makeshift “war room for feelings,” complete with a whiteboard labeled Operation Stay Relevant.
When asked about missed paychecks for U.S. troops, Schumer allegedly paused his social media brainstorming session and said, “We can’t worry about money until we fix my engagement metrics.”
Meanwhile, AOC was reportedly busy picking out new office furniture and color palettes, telling staff she wanted “a workspace that feels like social justice, but also influencer-core.”
Neither Chuck nor AOC appear particularly concerned with the ongoing government shutdown.
As of press time, Schumer was seen standing outside a Washington Starbucks, polling customers on whether he “still gives off leadership energy.”
Well one is braindead and one is walking dead.
Sounds about right for a democrat
Both of which drip with the blood of the innocent while reaching into our treasury to continue their theft of America
Democrats are the party of death and destruction of America . Lying and killing of Americans is the only thing they have left .
If they keep this up . Yes America and the entire world has gotten so wicked. That God himself can not stand their evil. And these two represent what is wrong with Americans!
I Suggest that every person read Gods word . To find out in the book of Revelation where we are in the end of times. I don’t care if you believe it or not The Bible is the only book in the entire world that has told every thing man has and is going through. I have no doubt ! God will take over
You are right. It is time or past time for Americans to repent and put their faith in Jesus Christ, along with Canada and quite a few other countries. Time to chose faith in Christ and heaven when you die or continue to ignore the TRUTH and spend eternity in burning flames.