NEW YORK—Organizers of New York City’s May Day festivities unveiled a bold new economic plan Friday: dismantle capitalism, build a Great Wall around prosperity, and then punch several “Open Borders Welcome Here” holes in it, sources have confirmed.
The proposal, announced between chants for free bus fare and the ceremonial burning of a balanced budget, would tax millionaires, billionaires, corporations, landlords, anyone with two matching socks, and children who “hoard snacks.”
Mayor Zohran Mamdani praised the plan as a compassionate first step toward replacing greedy American capitalism with a fairer system in which everyone receives the same government-issued apartment, except senior party organizers, visiting Shanghai donors, and whoever controls the $278 million revolution Venmo.
Asked whether wealthy anti-capitalist benefactors would also be taxed into oblivion, activists clarified that revolutionary billionaires are not “rich” but “pre-distributed comrades temporarily safeguarding the people’s money in diversified portfolios.”
The new socialist republic would reportedly guarantee free buses, free healthcare, free college, free rent, free slogans, and free mandatory seminars explaining why nothing is free because Republicans stole it.
Democratic officials hailed the rally as grassroots, noting the grass was imported, the roots were funded, and the people were mostly unpaid interns holding printed signs.
As of press time, organizers had announced capitalism would be abolished immediately after everyone finished selling their merch on Shopify.
For God’s sake, don’t give the b******* any ideas. Some liberal idiot- please pardon the redundancy since all liberals are idiots- will read this and think it’s actually happening.
Are they even listening to themselves? Lord help us all.
Wait until they find out how expensive free actually is!
Nothing dumber than a brainwashed liberal!
I agree with jimmy D.