Chaos erupted among establishment reporters Thursday after Vice President J.D. Vance mock-scanned members of the media for “fake news pupils” using what witnesses described as a $4 laser pointer purchased from a gas station, sources have confirmed.
According to staffers, Vance walked the press line like an optometrist who had finally snapped, shining the pointer near reporters’ faces and announcing, “Yup, that’s a biased cornea. And that one? Clinically allergic to facts.”
One journalist allegedly screamed, “DON’T LOOK DIRECTLY AT HIM — HE CAN SEE OUR NARRATIVES!”
Within minutes, Democratic lawmakers jumped into emergency mode, drafting a 128-page bill titled the Reporter Eye Dignity Act, which mandates:
- Federally funded eye-misters
- ‘Safe glance zones’ at political events
- Fines for politicians who visually intimidate journalists “with accuracy or confidence”
One progressive strategist whispered in panic, “If politicians start noticing the media’s eyes, they might see the truth leaking out. We can’t have that.”
Meanwhile, Republicans reportedly laughed so hard that several had to be escorted out for “joy-related breathing complications.”
As of press time, Democrats were considering a follow-up bill requiring journalists to wear tinted goggles to prevent further ideological exposure.
I know it’s satire, but it is sooooooo true!
Vance is threatening journalists’ eyesight, using laser pointer . Anyone who has a problem should sue him.
lol, I’m sure he’s not pointing it in their eyes dingbat.
This is a satire sight dear.
Jeez, get a grip you morón, this is satire!
Lol people are so stupid, he is pointing it out verbally ,this satire .the snowflakes believe everything they hear from the Democratic Socialist Party