WASHINGTON, D.C. — Chuck Schumer and Hakeem Jeffries reportedly suffered an immediate constitutional rash this week after hearing the words “federal agents” and “polling places” in the same sentence, despite routinely attending events guarded more heavily than the gold at Fort Knox, sources have confirmed.
Symptoms appeared quickly.
Metal detector at fundraiser?
Fine.
Armed security outside ballroom?
Responsible.
Three checkpoints before reaching the shrimp?
Necessary.
Federal agent within binocular range of a precinct?
CALL THE LAWYERS.
Doctors diagnosed the condition as Selective Security Intolerance, a rare Washington disorder triggered whenever protection arrives without a donor badge.
One strategist attempted exposure therapy.
He showed lawmakers a photograph of a security guard.
Several immediately broke out in subpoenas.
Republicans responded with their own medically questionable treatment: twelve agents, four cameras, biometric scanners, and a Labrador wearing a vest that said ELECTION INTEGRITY.
Then came the ultimate compromise:
Follow existing election law.
Democrats rejected it unanimously for being insufficiently dramatic.
By sunset, both parties had scheduled press conferences explaining why their preferred security was completely different from the other side’s security.
As of press time, the only person still trusted by both sides was a 67-year-old poll worker named Barbara who had already thrown three campaign lawyers out for blocking the coffee machine.
I have been saying no since 1996, that we needed Voter ID’s and election officials. Democrats let the illegals in only to use them to cheat at the election polls. Anyone that is a Democrat is a damn cheater.