MADISON, WI — Wisconsin parents reportedly entered financial cardiac arrest Thursday after learning their college-aged sons had allegedly converted hundreds of dollars in groceries into a sweltering basement condiment experiment while the rest of the state was still emotionally recovering from booing the Packers, sources have confirmed.
Police arrived expecting hazing.
They found what appeared to be a human supper club buffet after a tornado.
Greek dressing.
Ketchup.
Eggs.
Mystery liquids.
Enough wasted food to make every Wisconsin dad who ever yelled about grocery prices grip his Kwik Trip receipt like a legal document.
(Dad): “You spent HOW MUCH on dressing?”
(Son): “It was for brotherhood.”
(Dad): “WE HAVE CHEESE CURDS AT HOME.”
Parents descended on Madison carrying flashlights, credit-card statements, and the terrifying calm of Midwestern people about to ask one extremely specific question.
One bill reportedly included:
$84 in condiments.
$63 in eggs.
$112 in “fraternity supplies.”
“What are fraternity supplies?”
Silence.
The arrests came during an already difficult week in Wisconsin, where Packers fans were booing, college kids were marinating each other, and somewhere a dairy farmer was whispering, “I worked for this?”
Police declined to say whether Greek dressing officially qualifies as Greek life.
As of press time, Wisconsin authorities were considering placing the entire state on probation until someone could explain why ranch dressing had become an extracurricular activity.
