WASHINGTON — Progressive activists reportedly entered full-scale meltdown this week after concluding President Trump’s newly unveiled gold American eagle somehow proved that America’s national bird had become “problematic,” prompting urgent calls to cancel Independence Day before anyone accidentally enjoyed themselves, sources have confirmed.
According to insiders, emergency protest meetings lasted well into the night as consultants debated whether bald eagles should immediately apologize for existing.
“We’ve looked into it,” one activist allegedly announced.
“It has wings. Other historical eagles had wings. Frankly, we’re asking a lot of questions.”
The proposal reportedly included removing every eagle statue, redesigning patriotic imagery, and replacing the national bird with a less confrontational emotional support pigeon.
Committee members also floated the idea of renaming Independence Day to “Historically Complicated Reflection Weekend.”
Meanwhile, millions of Americans appeared blissfully unaware of the controversy.
Across the country, families fired up grills, kids chased fireflies, neighbors shared hamburgers, veterans were thanked, and grandparents happily retold the same Revolutionary War stories they tell every Fourth of July.
Political analysts described the disconnect as remarkable.
“The internet spent twelve hours arguing about symbolism,” one observer noted.
“The rest of America spent twelve hours making potato salad.”
As early firework displays illuminated the evening sky, critics of the outrage noted that despite years of predictions that patriotism was fading, Americans seemed perfectly content celebrating 250 years of independence with friends, family, and a flag flying over the backyard.
As of press time, activists had reportedly postponed canceling the bald eagle after discovering it stubbornly refused to read the statement prepared for it before soaring over a neighborhood barbecue.
Tell the activists to go to HELL Real Americans are sick of them, and they are pushing us too far. When we explode there is nowhere, they can hide.
The crazed loonies can go and sit on a rock-leave OUR America alone. Can’t you crazies think of anything else to do but try to run our free America into the ground? My father and uncles did not fight and die in WW2 for naught, grow up!
Time to beat the shit out of these actvists then haul their ass to the marine corps
Can he fly like an Eagle?
Just tell them to shut up and go home. We give them too much attention!!
I’m making a double batch of potato salad to protest the protesters. And I may even serve cherry pie with a scoop of vanilla ice cream. And to top it off some delicious watermelon. My flag is flying high and I do believe it has an eagle on it. And I’m keeping it. 😛🦅🇺🇸🎆
Sounds like a fun Tarantino-movie-like-argument. That said, the progressives are insane to one degree or another, so reason would not go far.
That said, Ben Franklin did propose a turkey and not in jest. I think he was serious! He saw some symbolic qualities. I’m glad he didn’t. We probably could not eat turkey. Killing a bald eagle, here, would be like killing a cow to the Hindus, right?
Well then I’m going to make a double batch of potato salad. And I just might serve some cherry pie with a scoop of vanilla ice cream. And a have a big yummy piece of watermelon. And I’m flying my American flag proudly. And I believe it has an eagle on it. God bless America!
And what a pigeon doesn’t have f-in wings. How about a big dick on democrats heads.
The so-called Progressive bunch can’t ruin this sacred holiday for the rest of us! My flags are out and I’m going to watch the fireworks and celebrate. God Bless America 🇺🇸🇺🇸🇺🇸
On this day 250 years ago George Washington, as Commander of the Continental Army, initiated the forceful removal of:
1. The people who came to our new land to exploit the success of the Colonies.
2. A group of foreigners collecting taxes from the Colonies and sending the money to their mother country.
3. Outsiders who were intent on making our Government like the country they came from.
4. The people who came here and refused to assimilate by maintaining allegiance to their former country.
George was a wise man, and all the true Patriots risked their lives to join in his efforts to accomplish the above.
Love it !
We need to rebrand the damn Democrats, they hate this country more than anything. They hate our military, the American people, even our history. They are wanting to turn it into a socialist country because the kids today are too stupid to know basics Math and Geography they want something for free instead. There is another civil war brewing people.
To quote Teddy Roosevelt’s statement in 1907.”Any Man who says he is an American, but something else also, isn’t an American at all. We have room for but one flag, The American Flag…We have room for but one language here, and that is the English language. And we have room for but one sole loyalty and that is the Loyalty to the American People”
Our Flag” It’s just a piece of cloth They say”
That is all it is– just a piece of cloth. BUT when a little breeze comes along, it stirs and comes to life and flutters and snaps in the wind, all RED ,WHITE and BLUE ! And then you realize that no other piece of cloth could be like it!
It has your whole life wrapped up in it-the meals you eat, the time you spend with your family; the kind of things you learned in school; strange and wonderful thoughts you get in church on Sunday.
Those stars in it-they make you fell just free as the stars in the wide deep night. And those stripes- they are bars of blood to any dictator who would try to change this way of life.
Just a piece of cloth, that is all-until you put your soul into it; and give it meaning. THEN it is the symbol of Liberty, and Decency, and fair dealing for everyone. It is just a piece of cloth until we breathe life into it, until we make it stand for everything we believe in, and refuse to live without it!
I have saved this for years, quite a message for our Glorious 4th of JULY
Great message. Thank you and amen.
Well said Elizabeth!!! Oh those wacky progressive socialists. They often seem to go out of their way to find and exacerbate the most pointless debates. While we’re at it let’s challenge that the sun rises in the East and sets in the West, water freezes at 32 degrees Fahrenheit and boils at 212. Pointless, idiotic and draining on time, energies and tax revenue.
The symbol of america is the eagle. JFK once said the symbol, the eagle, carries olive branches of peace and in one talon and arrows of war in the the other talon. And he would use both to defend Americans freedoms and democracy. President Trump is using JFK’s wisdom perfectly.
Nick from Florida