CEUTA, SPAIN — Spanish socialist leader Pedro Sánchez accused fellow European leaders of selfishness after they refused to open their borders during a migration crisis his government advertised like a timeshare, sources have confirmed.
Sánchez explained that Europe’s borders should remain open whenever migrants enter Spain, closed whenever Spain sends them back, and blamed on conservatives whenever anyone notices the contradiction.
Thousands arrived in Ceuta after officials unveiled Spain’s new “Come On In, Probably” policy, complete with million-euro checks redeemable for one expired donut coupon with purchase.
When the exclave became overwhelmed, Madrid demanded every EU nation accept migrants, unpaid hotel bills, broken photocopiers, and Spain’s emotional responsibility.
Hungary, Poland, Italy, and France were denounced as extremists after committing the radical act of remembering where their countries ended.
Spanish ministers then introduced the Schrödinger Border Doctrine, under which the border is simultaneously open, closed, compassionate, fascist, temporary, permanent, and somehow Germany’s fault.
Reporters asking why Spain encouraged the rush were accused of weaponizing chronology and displaying dangerous competence.
Sánchez later held a unity summit where EU leaders were ordered to apologize for failing to participate in Spain’s emergency redistribution program.
As of press time, Spain had reopened the border, closed it again, blamed conservatives, demanded solidarity, and mailed everyone a coupon for a donut with the purchase of a return ticket.
