WASHINGTON, D.C. — Dr. Anthony Fauci pleaded the Fifth during a Senate hearing after lawmakers learned Bill Gates once had access to classified government files and may have confused computer viruses with human ones, sources have confirmed.
Rand Paul asked whether dangerous research had been “enhanced,” prompting Fauci to whisper, “Please contact your system administrator.”
Gates then entered carrying seven years of documents, but refused to answer until Congress installed Windows 11, accepted terms, created a Microsoft account, and restarted democracy.
“I was told to stop viruses,” Gates explained.
“Nobody specified which kind.”
According to fictional testimony, Gates approached biological research exactly like a software update:
Release it before testing, disable the “Not Now” button, blame outdated hardware, and require everyone to reboot annually.
Officials insisted Gates needed Q clearance because he was the only person who remembered the government password, reportedly “ObamaAdmin2014!”
Investigators later discovered classified files labeled “Pandemic_Final_REAL_v7_USETHISONE,” alongside instructions to install antivirus software on bats.
Fauci denied knowing whether any virus had been weaponized, upgraded, patched, or converted from Home Edition to Pro.
Gates offered to explain everything for $99.99 per year, plus cloud storage.
As of press time, Congress learned nothing after the hearing automatically restarted to install critical national-security updates.
Both Gates and Fauci should be prosecuted with no bail. All their funds should go to better research, or for damages
Should be asking Gates about his fun time on Epstein island.
Love the humor. Thanks.
That’s funny. Win11 is a virus, no cure.