Democrats Prove Party Unity by Trying to Politically Destroy Each Other

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Democratic Party headquarters began splitting Tuesday after former Squad member Cori Bush launched a campaign to reclaim her old seat from fellow Democrat Wesley Bell, sources have confirmed.

Party leaders insisted the primary proves Democrats remain united, even as Bush supporters occupied the lobby, Bell supporters barricaded elevators, and interns carried boxes labeled “2028 Hopes” toward the emergency exit.

Bush accused Bell of being a right-wing extremist after investigators discovered he owns a calculator and once balanced a budget without consulting a drum circle.

Bell fired back, warning that Bush’s return could force Missouri residents to replace police officers with neighborhood feelings coordinators armed with whistles, herbal tea, and strongly worded pamphlets.

The Democratic Socialists of America endorsed Bush and demanded the district be nationalized, renamed “The People’s Cooperative Congressional Zone,” and represented by whoever hates capitalism most loudly.

Establishment Democrats backed Bell while unveiling a “Unity Now” banner that tore in half before reporters finished photographing it.

Republicans watched from across the street eating popcorn and placing wagers on which faction would accuse the other of fascism first.

Nancy Pelosi attempted mediation by offering both candidates separate seats, lifetime salaries, and matching taxpayer-funded apology consultants.

As of press time, Democrats declared the party stronger than ever moments before the remaining wall collapsed onto the unity committee.