On the eve of Election Day, Democratic strategists unveiled an immigration platform allowing candidates to welcome immigrants, condemn deportations, and plan to claim credit for deportations before Wednesday’s breakfast, sources have confirmed.
The program operates from a revolving campaign headquarters between an immigration assistance office and airport departures.
“We support your journey,” explained fictional campaign director Martin Pivot.
“Our position depends on whether it’s Tuesday or Wednesday.”
Volunteers distribute welcome baskets containing campaign literature, miniature American flags, and greeting cards that stop playing “We Are Family” when polls close.
Trouble began when newly naturalized citizen Luis Herrera asked what the candidate actually believed.
An aide checked tomorrow’s polling before answering.
Inside headquarters, exhausted staff rehearse the candidate’s victory speech and concession speech.
Both accuse Republicans of causing the immigration policy he’s currently celebrating.
Campaign accountants praised the efficiency.
“We’ve booked one ballroom for tonight’s immigrant appreciation dinner and Wednesday’s border security luncheon. The centerpieces rotate.”
The candidate’s two faces have separate election night assignments: one kisses babies while the other checks whether the photographs will remain useful tomorrow.
Asked whether this seemed exploitative, he became visibly offended.
“Those people are practically family,” he said. “We’ve used them in six advertisements.”
As of press time, staff were teaching his second face to look surprised when his first face broke another campaign promise on live television.
Wouldn’t be surprised if this actually was happening!