Supreme Court member and loyal Android user Merrick Garland announced a Department of Justice antitrust lawsuit against Apple yesterday just for shits and giggles, sources confirmed.
“We’re coming for you Apple, and we don’t even have a good reason,” said Garland, at a press conference held earlier today. “That’s why I’ve declared that they’ve got a monopoly, despite having healthy competition for the duration of the iPhone’s lifespan. I urge Apple not to argue with the DOJ’s logic, since we literally make the rules. I look forward to breaking your balls in court based on my distaste for your business.”
Representatives from Apple were concerned about the impending lawsuit.
“Did you read the complaint,” asked Brenda Jackson, a representative of Apple. “It’s mostly just Garland whining about different apps he can’t figure out and how he doesn’t understand how to use his iPad at home. This is clearly just a case of our elected officials using their power to carry out personal vendettas. Don’t they have much, much better things they could be doing with their time and power?”
As of press time, Garland had indicated he was preparing another new lawsuit, this one against the Chinese place that messed up his order last night.
I don’t want to nitpick, but Merrick Garland is the U.S. Attorney General and not on the Supreme Court (Deo Gratias) It’s us proofreaders have to keep people on their toes.
I don’t want to nitpick, but Merrick Garland is the U.S. Attorney General and not on the Supreme Court (Deo Gratias we dodged THAT bullet) It’s us proofreaders have to keep people on their toes.