LOS ANGELES: A Republican candidate touring Skid Row caused California officials to activate emergency hair gel reserves after suggesting homelessness might improve if Democrats stopped treating it as a subscription service, sources have confirmed.
“Fix it?” gasped one consultant.
“We’ve already ordered matching fleece vests for the next twelve task forces.”
The candidate discovered a downtown command center where contractors monitored homelessness through a window they’d paid another contractor to frost.
Inside, a machine converted taxpayer dollars into reports explaining why additional taxpayer dollars were needed.
Its inventor received an award for sustainable circular funding.
Governor Gavin Newsom arrived with a million-dollar haircut and a Dollar General suit, followed by six aides carrying emergency flattering lighting.
“We’re meeting people where they are,” Newsom announced.
“Then why’s your office forty floors above us?” asked a resident named Ray.
An aide immediately classified Ray as misinformation.
The candidate proposed housing people instead of housing consultants in beachfront retreats.
Officials recoiled.
One nonprofit executive dropped his commemorative shovel from a groundbreaking ceremony for a future groundbreaking ceremony.
Ray examined a glossy brochure promising transformational solutions.
“If I could afford choices, I wouldn’t even be homeless here,” he said.
“Apparently my tent’s supporting seventeen careers.”
As of press time, Newsom had announced a billion-dollar investigation into why Californians had started noticing the billion-dollar investigations.
Peculiar that these clowns can put so much effort into screwing the public/taxpayers but cannot and will not put any effort into solving problems. It’s like their own version of Alice in Wonderland – what’s up is down, what’s right is wrong.
Gavin Nusance is a joke! We all voted for his impeachment and somehow they cheated the ballots. This guy’s so crooked without explaining where is the million of dollars for the rail system, the homeless fund and now they burn down homes to get some land grab. California is very corrupted and we need change.