OTTAWA, CANADA: The Canadian government has condemned Belgium for arresting a Canadian NATO intern suspected of spying for China, calling the incident “a dangerous attack on international information sharing,” Sources have confirmed.
Canadian officials quickly clarified that espionage is an outdated colonial term and should now be called “unlicensed multicultural knowledge transfer.”
During an emergency press conference, officials unveiled more inclusive terminology.
Stealing classified documents will now be known as “data redistribution.”
Photographing NATO battle plans is “visual equity.”
Sending military secrets to Beijing is simply “building a more connected global community.”
“The real crime is believing information belongs only to the country that created it,” explained one government spokesperson while uploading Canada’s nuclear launch codes to a publicly accessible diversity portal.
Ottawa demanded that Belgium release the suspect into a restorative espionage circle where representatives from Canada, Belgium, NATO, and China can share their feelings, exchange classified access codes, and acknowledge the emotional harm caused by passwords.
Canada also offered the accused intern a $14 million grant to study whether national security disproportionately affects foreign intelligence agencies.
When NATO representatives asked whether anyone intended to investigate the actual spying, Canadian officials accused the alliance of weaponizing questions.
As of press time, the suspect had been nominated to lead Canada’s new Ministry of Cross-Border Data Equity.
Really well written. The explanation by Canadian leadership fits their newly adopted partnership with China. Looking forward to seeing Chinese EVs cross the Gordie Howe bridge into the US.
Absolutely brilliant.