WASHINGTON, D.C. — Vice President JD Vance announced that his Anti-Fraud Task Force has stopped $56 billion in suspicious government payments, prompting Democrats to insist that fraud remains a dangerous right-wing myth invented by accountants, sources have confirmed.
“The money wasn’t stolen,” explained one progressive senator.
“It was simply redistributed to organizations that may not technically exist.”
Within minutes, MSNBC assembled twelve experts, including three nonprofit consultants, four Democratic strategists, and a man whose daycare center reportedly enrolled 9,000 toddlers in a broom closet.
All agreed the investigation was an assault on democracy.
Meanwhile, the Democratic Socialists of America demanded the payments resume immediately, arguing that government fraud is merely socialism with faster paperwork.
Establishment Democrats, already busy trying to stop the DSA from taking over the party, accused Vance of creating unnecessary division by discovering where the money went.
Vance’s task force now measures success using the Political Screaming Index.
One angry press conference equals $10 million found. A federal lawsuit from California means $500 million.
A tearful speech about “vulnerable communities” means investigators should check the speaker’s brother-in-law.
“The louder they yell, the closer we are,” Vance said while following a trail of grant applications into an abandoned laundromat.
As of press time, another $2 billion was recovered after AOC confidently announced there was absolutely nothing left to find anywhere in America.
J.D., Ignore those left wing grifters con-job B.S.and just keep that vacuum cleaner sucking back us taxpayers stolen money !
Keep on keeping on. Root out the crooks.