“Christie: NYC Only Clean Where Cameras Exist”

Former New Jersey Governor Chris Christie revealed that New York City’s sanitation apparatus appears to function like a private concierge service for Mayor Zohran Mamdani’s front door while treating the rest of the five boroughs like an experimental landfill, sources have confirmed.

Weeks after the snowfall, entire neighborhoods still resembled frozen landfills, while one very specific stretch of Manhattan gleamed like a gated resort.

According to insiders, fleets of “Press-Ready Cleanliness Units” — equipped with gold-plated brooms, aesthetic snow plows, and cinematic mood lighting — formed a gleaming halo around Gracie Mansion, scrubbing every curb to a mirror shine.

One block beyond the camera’s frame, however, trucks allegedly turned around, declaring the rest of the city “beyond the scope of optics.”

Mamdani reportedly defended the disparity as “hyper-localized equity,” rebranding snowbanks and trash piles as “intentional urban texture.”

City planners unveiled glossy renderings of “Sustainable Co-Living,” luxury roach condos complete with artisanal rat tracks and compost aromatherapy.

Standing beside a playground buried under a glacier of garbage, Christie quipped, “Here’s the thing — rats love trash.

Clearing the snow while letting trash stack to the moon is like plowing a runway for a squadron of jet-fueled raccoons.”

Sanitation workers were then instructed to sweep only when a drone was overhead, while residents in outer boroughs were told to treat neglect as “restorative character-building.”

As of press time, 2029 mayoral hopeful Michael Rappaport and fellow New Yorkers were pooling donations to buy the city a broom that works without a camera crew.