WASHINGTON, D.C. — Progressive lawmakers erupted in outrage this week after U.S. Park Police arrested multiple suspects connected to vandalism at the National Mall’s Reflecting Pool, sources have confirmed.
According to investigators, the arrests accidentally disrupted what insiders are calling Operation Orange Fingerprint, an alleged effort to create another anti-Trump news cycle while simultaneously posting social media graphics about “healing” and “unity.”
Members of the Deep Left Squad reportedly reacted with horror upon learning that the people spray-painting national monuments and tearing holes in the Reflecting Pool’s sealant had been arrested before cable news hosts could blame “dangerous MAGA rhetoric.”
“This is unconstitutional,” one outraged activist reportedly shouted.
“Destroying historical landmarks is a sacred form of peaceful expression when Republicans are in office.”
AOC allegedly demanded immediate hearings, insisting Americans have a constitutional right to vandalize federal property provided the resulting photographs make President Trump look insensitive.
Sources say she was particularly furious at reports the Reflecting Pool may soon be restored, raising the terrifying possibility that she could once again see her own reflection.
Meanwhile, confused tourists gathered around the Reflecting Pool wondering why people claiming to save democracy keep trying to write slogans on statues.
Political analysts say the incident marks the first time alleged vandals have been arrested before receiving honorary contributor contracts from major media outlets.
As of press time, activists had begun denouncing the Lincoln Memorial itself for failing to resist arrest.
It sounds like satire but it probably isn’t.