Democrats Beg Media Not to Air Johnson’s Speech: “If People Hear This, We’re Doomed”

Democratic leaders reportedly went into full crisis mode moments before Speaker Mike Johnson’s press conference, frantically contacting major networks and pleading with producers not to air it live, sources have confirmed.

Leaked messages from DNC group chats reveal one panicked staffer typing, “Whatever you do, don’t let voters hear this — he’s… telling the truth.”

Another strategist allegedly warned CNN that “fact exposure can be fatal to polling numbers,” while a senior aide was overheard muttering, “We lied and fake-promised too hard to stop now.”

According to witnesses, as soon as Johnson began calmly explaining the shutdown facts, MSNBC abruptly cut to a special report on the emotional lives of endangered salamanders.

Meanwhile, The Washington Post published a preemptive editorial titled “Why Accuracy Is a Tool of Oppression.”

By the end of the conference, Democrats were said to have barricaded the Capitol press room with diversity pamphlets and compostable protest signs.

One anonymous intern was seen frantically unplugging microphones while shouting, “If you tell them what we said, democracy dies in transparency!”

As of press time, White House officials were reportedly drafting new guidelines limiting public access to “potentially hazardous truths” in the interest of national emotional safety.