WASHINGTON, D.C. — Democratic leaders unveiled a bold new affordability agenda Thursday promising to lower the cost of living by raising taxes, increasing fees, and taking more money out of everyone’s paycheck, sources have confirmed.
Officials described the strategy as Government Opposite Day.
“Affordable means expensive,” one consultant explained.
“Lower means higher. Savings means revenue. Try to keep up.”
The Treasury immediately released new instructions encouraging Americans to wear mismatched shoes, put their pants on backwards, and stop asking where the money went.
One taxpayer pointed out that taking another $300 from his paycheck made groceries considerably less affordable.
“That’s because you’re thinking traditionally,” an aide replied.
Congress then approved a $9 billion study to determine why families had less money after government took more of it.
The funding disappeared before the first meeting.
Investigators called David Copperfield.
He declined, saying even he couldn’t make money vanish that efficiently.
Meanwhile, Democrats held a rally beneath a giant AFFORDABILITY NOW! banner while staffers quietly increased parking fees outside.
A confused voter asked how higher taxes reduce household costs.
The microphone mysteriously stopped working.
Officials blamed Republicans.
As of press time, Democrats had successfully made affordability so expensive that lawmakers requested another tax increase to help Americans afford the previous one.
